


suicide |  judar x reader

by soph_animexwbu



Category: Magi: The Labyrinth of Magic
Genre: Comforting, F/M, Fluff, Lime, Love, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-02
Updated: 2017-05-02
Packaged: 2018-10-27 02:24:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10799724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soph_animexwbu/pseuds/soph_animexwbu
Summary: idk i had this scenario in mind and when i asked a friend who to choose out of my husbands to write it for she said judar soooo.WARNING: suicide attempts, self-harm, triggering content, low-key/non-explicit sexual implications.DISCLAIMER: i do not own magi or any of the characters shown in this fic - all rights reserved.





	suicide |  judar x reader

“I can’t do this anymore, Judar. I can’t,” you cried into his chest, gripping onto his choli, “I want to die!” you cried, cried and cried until your body couldn’t physically drain out anymore. He cradled you in his arms and hushed you, the two of you were sat on the balcony floor.  
~flashback to five minutes prior~  
You tried to kill yourself, your room was on the top floor of the palace and if you jumped – you would have died. But your boyfriend, Judar, caught you by your wrist just in the right second. You dangled from the balcony, being held up by him by the arm, “Judar, let me go!” You screeched and flailed about, hoping it would make him lose his grip on you. But his grip was so tight you thought your hand was going to go dead, “no way! I’m not letting you die!” He shouted to you, and you gazed up to see tears forming in his beautiful crimson orbs. He pulled your body back over the railings, and collapsed to the ground with you in his lap, you hysterically crying.  
~end flashback~  
“Please, talk to me, why? Why did you try to commit suicide?” He buried his face in your hair to try and hide the fact that he was crying slightly, you sniffled, your breathing hitched and you tried to splutter out a reply, “I just- I- I’m so sad all of the time,” you whimpered, comforting yourself in his arms. He rocked your body back and forth and pressed his lips on the top of your head, “what can I do to help you?” He really would’ve done anything, if it meant that you were okay, he would’ve travelled to the ends of the earth. You shook your head and rested it on his chest, letting go of him, your hands dropping down like they were dead wood, “there’s nothing you can do. I don’t know why I feel like this, I just do.” He held you closer to him, and you could hear how upset his was in his voice, “please,” he pleaded. “Sis?” You heard Kougyoku call for you from the balcony door, and Judar looked over his shoulder, “Kougyoku, could you give us a minute please?” Your pink haired sister could tell the severity of the situation just by how Judar called her ‘Kougyoku’ and not ‘old hag’ and the seriousness laced in his tone. Because his back was to her, all she could see of you was your long skirt, and all she could hear were your cries. She gripped onto the doorframe and shook her head, “if my sister is crying, I want to know why. If you’re sat out here like this, I want to know why. She’s my family!” Judar clenched his teeth, coming to the end of his tether, she really needed to just back away right now. But you stepped in before he could lose his cool, you peered over Judar’s shoulder, showing your puffy, blood shot eyes, “hey, sis. Don’t worry about me, okay? I just want to be with Judar for a bit,” you sobbed, but at least you were cohesive. “B-but sis,” her eyes swelled, “I want you to be okay.” Judar cut in, “and I’ll make sure she’ll be okay, now leave us be.” He was cold as ever, not that you were going to argue though.  
“Gosh, Judar! You’re such a bully, fine, I’ll leave! But if Kouen asks where she is, I’m not gonna cover for you!” She spun around and stormed off, like a true princess indeed. He went back to cradling you, but your cries had begun to alleviate. When you cried like this, it had the tendency to tire you out pretty quickly. You rested in Judar’s arms and he looked down at you, smiling slightly as he saw you nodding off. “Let me take you to bed,” he said as he put one arm under your legs and the other under your back to carry you princess style into bed. He used his magic to pull back the covers without having to put you down, and he laid you in bed. Pulling the covers over you, you looked at him with half-lidded eyes and gave a small smile, “thank you,” your tears were drying; making your face feel sticky. But you were too tired to care right now. He locked your balcony door and put the key in his pocket, just to be safe. Whilst you were slipping into sleep, he sat beside you, stroking your hair to help you get to sleep quicker, he found that you always slept easier when he was there.  
About ten minutes later, a knock came to your door, but you were already fast asleep. The door opened and Kouen appeared, looking over to the bed and smiling softly; his younger sister seemed to be okay. “Is she okay? Kougyoku told me she was crying.” Kouen questioned, and Judar nodded, still stroking your hair, “she’s alright now.” He ‘hmm’ed, “what’s wrong with her?” He pulled a chair up and sat next to the bed, on the side you were on so that he could watch you sleep peacefully. “In all honesty, I don’t even think she knows herself,” Judar responded. “Well, what happened?” It was his duty as your elder brother to take care of you, so he was going to do just that. Judar sighed, his facial expressions dropping as he had to reminisce what just happened, “she tried to jump off her balcony, in attempts of suicide. I managed to catch her, but if I was even a millisecond later, she would’ve been successful.” Kouen’s heart broke a little as he heard that, even if he was manly and powerful person; he loved his family, “what do you propose we do, Judar?”  
They both looked at you as you were asleep, finally looking like you were delved in tranquillity. Even though he wanted to, Judar couldn’t give a sufficient answer to Kouen’s question. “I, I don’t know. When I asked, she said nothing would be able to change how she felt; she just felt like this and she didn’t know why. Like it was uncaused,” Judar’s hand shook as he pushed a strand of hair out of your face, “just give me a couple of days with her, I’ll fix her.” Kouen nodded and stood on his feet, “okay. I’ll have that arranged. We’ll have you a ship prepared tomorrow morning that will take you to a private island own by the Kou Empire monarchy, just West of here. We’ll let you stay there for as long as necessary for you to be able to help her, it’ll be uninterrupted privacy.”  
Judar nodded, “thank you, that’ll do nicely.” Kouen started walking to exit the bedroom, “just bring her back as the happy person she was before.”  
\--  
You opened your eyes the next morning, and saw Judar sat by your side on the bed, “J-Judar?” he smiled at you, “morning, princess. How are you feeling?” You blinked a couple of times in disbelief, “wait- did you stay up all night to watch over me?!” You sat up suddenly, panicked that you had worried him too much, “hey, none of that matters. We’re leaving this morning to go somewhere for a while, just the two of us, sound good?” He smiled and cupped your cheek, you looked down, starting to feel sad again. It was always like this, like the only time you were free of this depression was when you weren’t conscious. You suppose that’s why you desired death on such a large scale. “Y-yeah, it sounds good,” your tears flowed from your eyes and ran over the surface of Judar’s hand, “hey, hey, come on. Did I say something wrong?” He was concerned for you, “n-no, nothing of the sort. I’m just sad, that’s all.” He kissed on you on the forehead, “it’s okay, I’m here. Let’s get ready,” he took you by your hands and pulled you up off the bed.  
Your bags had already been packed and loaded onto the ship by the maids whilst you were asleep in the morning, as were Judar’s. The two of you walked to the port, stood in front of the ramp that leads onto the boat. To see you off, Kouen, Kougyoku and Hakuryuu came. You gave them each a hug, Kouen last, he whispered into your ear, “we love you.” And at the point, you knew instantly that it was his idea to send the two of you off; he had heard about what happened. But you weren’t going to make a scene of it, no, not here. “I love you too, Kouen.” You pulled out of his hug and Judar offered you his hand, which you took. He led you onto the boat and you waved your siblings goodbye.  
The ocean breeze was flowing through your hair as you stood at the front of the ship, just looking out at the clear blue sea. Judar walked up behind you, but stood about 2 metres behind. “(Name),” he called, and you turned around, your hair and dress flying with the wind. He smiled, because you looked so perfect. He held his hand out to you, “I’m not re-enacting a Titanic scene, come here.” You just looked at his hand, not moving an inch, “Kouen arranged this, didn’t he?” Judar sighed, and lowered his hand. “What do you expect, princess? For him to do nothing, when you’re in a bad state?” You turned back around, admiring the ocean once again, “I don’t want my family involved.”  
“Well you’re struck out of luck, they care about you. They’re not trying to hurt you,” you held onto the front of the ship, “no, but I always hurt them,” you said under your breath. “Lady (name), High Priest, food has been prepared.” one of the shipmen informed you and bowed. You nodded, taking in the sight of the sunset reflecting on the ocean one last time before you followed him inside. You pushed your food around your plate, you had a serious lack of appetite. It hurt Judar in so many ways to watch you like this.  
\--  
The next morning you arrived at the dock on the private island, the shipmen carrying your bags off into the luxury lodge and Judar helping you off the ship. He held your hand as you walked towards the accommodation you would be staying at, but he could tell it was going to take a lot of work to make you feel better. Your mood hadn’t once wavered from the day you tried to end it all.  
Your lodge was high end, as you would expect. It was substantial and meticulously decorated, it had a view of the ocean and the beach, with a patio and its own pool; even though the sea was right there. You walked through, making yourself familiar with the place that would be your home for the next few days, or weeks, you weren’t too sure. Honestly, Judar was struggling with how to approach you. He didn’t want to upset you or push you, you were fragile now and he had to be extremely diligent about that. Your whole first day just consisted of you unpacking and making things feel cosier for you, you didn’t really speak to Judar too much. It’s not that you were angry at him, but you just didn’t want your negative energy to rub off on him. The fact that he was here with you displeased you, you wouldn’t have wanted anyone else, but he was a magi and he held great responsibilities. Yet here he was, with his girlfriend on a secluded island for god knows how long, just so that you can feel better.  
At night, the stars shined bright and you went outside to sit on the patio. Judar was advised by Kouen not to leave you on your own, so he came out with you. It was silent, and you were just staring up at the stars. He looked up to the stars as well, but keeping watch on you in the corner of his eye. It looked like you were in deep thought, and he didn’t want to break that. “Judar?” You grabbed his attention, “is God real?” He sat there, and remembered that he came from the Sacred place; so yes, he did believe there was a God. “They are indeed real,” he informed, and you sighed, diverting your gaze to look at another group of stars. “If he’s real, answer me this: why does he allow such suffering and misery?” Judar racked his brain through his philosophies, “because we cannot have both free will and no suffering; misery is a price we must pay if we desire free will.” You scoffed, ‘free will’? That was the most absurd thing you had heard. “There is no free will, we all follow fate.”  
“That’s a subjective statement. Anyway, deep topics aren’t really my strong point.” You settled down further into the chair, “I guess.” He just wanted you to be okay, for goodness sake. He just wanted you back, the real you, the happy you. He wanted you in his arms, and he’d be damned if he wasn’t going to try. “(Name), come here,” he asked, and you sat forward, looking at him, “where?” You were confused, weren’t you already ‘here’? “On my lap, come here,” he rolled his eyes to the side to look at you. You were reluctant to get up, but you did anyway. You stood from your chair and sat on his lap, resting on his chest. He put his arm on your waist, and you looked at the stars together, “Judar, promise me something,” you said, and he looked at you, “always love me,” he wrapped both arms around you, “forever and always, (name).” You snuggled to him, finally feeling comfortable enough to do so.  
But no.  
No.  
Curing you was never going to be that easy.  
\--  
You sat in the bath tub, that had water mixed with your blood filled to the brim. You were hunched over, your hair a wet mess, and covered in your blood, with slashed wrists. Your metal vessel, which was a sword, being held in your right hand. Using it to cause yourself more pain as you wept, biting down on your lip so Judar wouldn’t hear you. Your vision was completely blurred, but you could make out the blood flowing from your flesh and into the bathtub, turning the water gradually darker.  
“(Name), I’m coming in-“  
“NO DON’T!” You screamed, but the door was already open, and he saw your state. He dropped the towel he had got for you and ran straight to the bathtub, snatching the sword from your hand and throwing it across the room, “JUDAR NO!” you screeched, “you idiot!” he cried, taking your arm and sucking on the wounds, his tears cascaded onto your arm and seeped into your cuts, “you made me promise to love you forever! How can I love you forever if you’re not here?!”  
“LET ME DIE, JUDAR! LET ME DIE!” it slapped Judar right across the face just how detrimental you were, you pulled your arm away from him so that you could prevent his attempts of stopping the blood, but he had already stopped most of it. You held your limb and cried even more, “CAN’T YOU SEE HOW DESPERATE I AM TO DIE?!” you kept shouting, and he didn’t know how to stop you, he didn’t know how to make you better. He reigned in his tears, and paced his breathing. Gently, he took your arm and studied the damage you had inflicted on yourself, “why would you hurt yourself like this?” he whispered, trying to keep you calm. “Because every time I’m not hurting myself, I’m hurting everyone around me! AND I DON’T WANT TO HURT PEOPLE ANYMORE! Depression is holding me captive and I don’t know how to free myself! EVERYONE IS AFRAID OF DYING, BUT I AM AFRAID OF LIVING!!!” you shouted at the top of your lungs, and then stopped – panting to get your breath back, the tears surging down your cheeks with no signs of stopping. Judar just stared at you with shaky eyes as he witnessed your pure, white rukh slowly turn black. These emotions were causing you to fall into depravity, and he knew he had to put a stop to it before it was too late.  
“(Name),” he begged, pushing your soaking hair out of your face and pulling your chin up to look him dead in the eyes. He didn’t see the light he knew so well in your eyes, and in his you could see how much this really was affecting him, “I will not let you go. Without you, I am nothing.” Your eyes enlarged at his comment, “y-you, Judar. This isn’t like you, at all.” He cupped your cheeks, “no, but it’s how I feel. I want you, I love you. Please, do not leave me.” You never really had seen Judar like this before, he was sadistic and a fantastic actor; but this wasn’t some sick act he was pulling. This was sincere. He looked you in the eyes for a second longer, “how does someone so loving, learn to hate herself?”  
“Teach me to love myself. Kiss me,” you had been so distant from Judar, the physical contact between the two of you had been kept to a minimum. He brought your face closer to his, and he laid his lips on top of yours, he ran his hands through your hair and pulled away, “I will teach you to love yourself just as much as I love you, but for now. Let’s get you cleaned,” he turned to the shower and switched it on, picking you up out of the bath to sit in the shower. The warm water ran down your small body, washing away all of the blood. He roamed his hands over you and used a sponge to wash you. It was weird, he was cleaning you like you weren’t capable of doing it yourself. His eyes scanned all over you, something that made you think inappropriately, him looking at all your private parts; touching them to clean them. You didn’t know if he did it on purpose or not, but he moved his hand down to your womanhood and rubbed it, ‘to clean you.’ As he did it, you gasped and bit your lip, he smirked, “I’m sorry, I forgot you were sensitive there,” your lips curled into a small smile, “as if you forgot.”  
Once he had cleaned you and your cuts, he pulled you to your feet and wrapped a towel around you, “all clean” he kissed your neck from behind and took your hand to take you back into the bedroom.  
\--  
When you were back in the bedroom, he pulled out bandages from the drawer and told you to sit on the bed, which you complied with. He sat on the bed with you and brought up your arms before wrapping bandages around them. You watched his face as he did so, and you could see the focus, the anguish, and the heartbreak. “I love you, Judar,” you whispered to him, but he just continued to aid you, “I love you.” you said again, but slightly louder. “I love you, too. But-“ he bit his lip, stopping him from saying anything more, “but?” you queried, “but, I can’t see you go through such torture. If you commit suicide, just think about what it will do to me, and to all of your siblings. We would never be able to live normally again,” he taped the bandage, “think about us. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, if you died, I don’t know how I would cope. And I couldn’t even kill myself to be with you again, I would just go back to the Sacred Place and they would send my rukh back, giving me another life but I would still have all of my memories. I would still love you.”  
Tears trickled down your face, and down your neck, “Judar,” you pulled him closer to you and kissed him, whilst still crying, “I- I won’t leave you,” you cried between kisses, he pulled away and looked you in the eyes, “you have to promise me. I know this is hard for you, but I will fix you; I swear.” You looked down, tears falling onto the sheets. The idea of living like this for even a second longer was a nightmare for you, but you couldn’t leave. No. You couldn’t leave Judar on his own here. “I promise.”  
He kissed your lips once again, and you tangled your fingers in his raven locks. Slowly, you moved your body backwards to lay on the bed, pulling him with you. Your towel moved up your thighs until they got to your hips, with Judar in between your legs. The material of his trousers rubbing against your bare cunt. “Don’t do that to me,” he whispered as he broke the kiss, then reconnected it, “don’t do what?” you giggled from your chest, “don’t tease me.” he whined, and just because he said it, you did it more. You rocked your hips slightly so that you would rub against his hardening cock, you made fake moans to turn him on more, “oh Judar~” you felt his body shake with fervour and anticipation, “d-don’t,” he gasped, “Judar~” you moaned, “this is my way of asking you to take me~” he kissed down your neck, “I’ve wanted to have sex with you for so long,” he sucked on your collarbone. You winced as he brushed his hand over your arm by accident, causing the material to rub against the wounds, he stopped what he was doing and looked up to you, “I’m sorry, that was an accident,” he apologised and you dropped your arm down on the bed, “it’s fine, it doesn’t matter.” You expected him to continue, but he didn’t, just hovered above you with his hair covering his face. “What’s wrong, Judar?”  
“I don’t want to hurt you, I don’t want to push you.” You shook your head and cupped his cheeks to look at you, “you’re not hurting me, and you’re not pushing me. If you don’t want to do this now, then that’s okay.” He kissed your palm, “it’s not that I don’t want to. It’s that you’ve had a harsh night, I want it to be right the first time we have sex,” you nodded and brought his face down to kiss him, “then we’ll wait until it’s right.”  
Really? Judar wanted it ‘to be right’? He was acting like a completely different person, not that you expected him to be a fuckboy driven on testosterone, but you thought he’d jump at the first opportunity to have sex. No matter what is was. Though that only made your love grow for him, that proved to you that he respected you an awful lot, it meant the world to you.  
\--  
“I promised I would love you forever, didn’t I?! So why are you so adamant I’ll leave?!” Judar cried out to you at the top of his lungs as you were crouched down on the sand of the beach, crying your eyes out, forehead against the sad and arms covering your head. Once again, your insecurities have got the best of you, and now they were directed at Judar. “you’ll walk away! You’ll leave me behind! One day, you’ll find someone so much better than me and you’ll want them instead!” he went to touch you, but stopped himself, “I wouldn’t-“  
“BUT YOU WOULD! YOU’RE EVIL, YOU ONLY WANT TO HURT ME!” you had the tendency to get angry when upset, mainly because you were scared and didn’t know how else to react. he fell to his knees on the sand next to you, he grabbed you and pulled you into his lap, and you squirmed and kicked to get away, “let go!” but he wrapped his arms around you tightly, and pressed his lips against your back, making small humming noises that sent subtle vibrations through your body. “please tell me what I can do, tell me what I have to do to make these insecurities of yours dissipate. It’s utter torture for me to see you like this,” he whispered to you. your breathing reigned, muscles relaxing in his embrace. “I need help,” you cried, “I’m so fucked up.”  
he kissed your cheek, “I love you, I’ll help you. I’ll make you better even if it kills me, even if it’s the last thing I ever do. you’re not fucked up, you’re perfect, I swear it.” when you felt so anxious, hearing that just didn’t really make a difference.  
\--  
it’s been 4 weeks since that night, and you spent every day of it stuck to judar’s side. anyone would’ve thought that you would get sick of each other, but no day was like the other when it was with judar. You both grew closer to each other, and you had even had sex now. it was rather romantic, but not quite. in the pool, no protection, multiple orgasms on both parts, heated, and for hours. but it was loving, in a way that only you and judar could depict. honestly, you’ve been feeling better; you really have. judar kept his promise, and he devoted every minute to aiding you, to loving you, to supporting you. you couldn’t have asked for anyone better, if you were being truthful. Your anxieties have alleviated by quite a bit, and the suicidal fantasises weren’t as vivid, they weren’t as frequent. you hadn’t brought harm to yourself, but something felt – wrong.  
“judar, I don’t want to go back,” you spoke up about what you believed was bothering you as you laid out on the patio drinking alcohol (or juice if you don’t like alcohol lolol). He peered up to look at you, “what do you mean?”  
“I mean, I don’t want to go back to kou. living with all of them in that palace, I don’t know. I’ve felt so much better since being here just with you, I wanna stay like this, you know?” he cleared his throat and leant back, “I wanna stay here with you, as well. But we can’t stay here alone, you know that.” you challenged his theory, “well, if we can’t stay /here/ alone, then let’s go back to the kou and live outside the palace together. We’ll still stay in the royal family, but we can set up outside, then we can be alone and I can stay in this content state!” it might have sounded crazy, but it was what you truly wanted. he scratched his head, trying to think of the most logical thing right now. he wanted it, too – he had just admitted to that, but there were bound to be complications with that. “we’ll have to ask kouen about that, but if you’re serious about it, we have to leave here soon to discuss and arrange it, okay?” your eyes lit up with ebullience, “yes! let’s go!” you bounce up from your chair and tugged on his arm.  
\--  
back at the palace, you stood in front of your elder brother, alone, asking permission of your absurd idea that you spontaneously came up with on the spot when you were on the island with judar.  
kouen laced his fingers together and rested on them on the desk and sighed, “you’re sure that’s what you desire? being with judar outside of the palace is what will make you happiest?” you nodded your head, “I’m certain, brother.” he closed his eyes to ponder for a second, before re-opening them and looking you dead in the eye, “I grant you permission to do so. we will arrange, organise and set up everything necessary for the two of you – we will have it done for you ASAP so that you may leave whenever you feel best to.” you screeched and jumped up and down in the air with excitement, before running to kouen’s side and giving him a kiss on the cheek, “thank you, thank you, thank you! I love you, brother!!” before he could reply, you sprinted from the room to run straight to judar to deliver the good news. you saw him headed your way, walking down the corridor and you jumped on him when you got face to face to him, wrapping your legs around his waist. He spun you round, “based on your excitement, I take it he approved?” he said with a massive smirk, “yes yes yes!” you kissed him on the lips and he held you, both of you overflowing with joviality.  
“we’ll leave this palace, we’ll live together. we’ll marry and we’ll start a family,” he spilled out, and then went red; he just showed you a soft side. you giggled and hugged him, “I would love to.”

**Author's Note:**

> if you feel suicidal, depressed, anxious, or any kind of emotional distress; PLEASE GET HELP.  
> there are people out there who will help you, and suicide or/and inflicting harm on yourself is never is the answer.  
> if you feel like you need support to get help, you can inbox me if you are comfortable to do so and i will try my best to help guide you in the best direction <3  
> THANK YOU FOR READING.


End file.
